I don't know where to begin. Sometimes there just isn't a beginning. I started a new job this week. A retailer of hip high price point home furnishings. A company of some reknown out of Chicago. I can't remember why I won't disclose the name but something tells me not to. (probably the same something that tells a writer to change the name of a character he is about to trash)
Memorable moments this week follow...

"hi,I'm andie, it's nice to meet you. Ugh,my boyfriend just dumped me and it makes me feel like I did when my father died of cancer..I just wanna cry,let's cry.
nice.
"okey,dokey,hunky,dorey'....etc. I cannot even begin to explain this person. i have never met anyone like her although I think I've seen her characterized on Saturday night live. Customer service doesn't even begin to cover her flock like enthusiasm for the company. And yet, there is some part of her that is above it, she's like a very good actress,she's one of those people that's too smart for her own good, she'll beat you at your own game before you realize that you're playing a game. She's too smart for me. I like her and dislike her . hmm.

(Note; the computer system looks and acts like DOS. it's a black screen with green letters and numbers and everything is done in codes. i almost cried, it's so user antagonistic. anyone would cry.)

" I hate celebrity chefs and famous decorators, they think they're so much better than other people." said sally at work.
but, I like them, or at least the concept that some people can do things better than others. What's wrong with that idea? At least chefs and decorators are creative. they're artists'.Lot's of actors are just pretty mina birds and their celebrity far outweighs that of a queer eye for the straight guy guy.
a final tale for the night. I went to a bar after work with a new coworker. At the end of the bar sat two men, one that, based solely on how he looked, or rather because he looked liked a man I once was attracted to, I would have flirted with. There were 4 barstools. The men were occupying every other seat. I asked if the seats were taken.
he replied "u,no, but the bar is kinda small."
(imagine the sound of car brakes squealing to a halt)
I replied, "oh, yes it is, but we won't be too long, so would you mind moving over thanks thanks a lot."
an hour and a half later, he elbows me like I'm his old drinking buddy.
"hey, what time do you get off?"
"sorry?"
"hey, it was just a joke,Jesus(slurrrrrry)"
"what was?"
"no no, you look like you're wearing a waitress uniform is all."

okay, jesus. first, not only do you NOT OFFER me a seat, you try to deny me one. then you accuse me of stealing an ashtray (,left this out earlier but now it seems appropriate) then you tell me that I am dressed in the manner of a paid servant.
how is it that a man can be so charmless? Did you think I would take these little charms as an invitation to flirt? REtarded.
what was wrong with him? I really want to know why a man would be insulting like that when he probably thought he was being funny. Did he just cross the brusque line? I really would like an answer. Plus I got a message from an online dating service from someone who looks 40 in his daguerreotype but claims to be 40 at present , is "separated" and repeated several times that he would pay for everything. p.s. He's "discreet". It just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. i grow weary of my men options.
- posted by marianne @ 6:35 PM

 
I was looking for a coat to slip on quickly as i was taking out the trash on monday night. i went to the hall closet and found a big padded windbreaker that belonged to my father. i put it on, reached into the pocket and pulled out the remote control that we couldn't find for about a week before dad died on september 15th. my mother and i had a laugh. i hope that things like this keep happening forvever. it made him so present. i was so excited.
when people die, they fade away. that's why we keep their photos and tell stories about them and get really excited when we find five dollars or a remote control in their clothes. it brings them back into focus. bittersweet focus.
- posted by marianne @ 9:12 AM

 
This blog used to be called Bicker. I started it when I moved home to care for my Father, who was dying of cancer.
A few days before or after he died, I can't remember which and it does not matter, I tried to insert one of those clever little boxes in which people can send you their clever little messages. I over did it, or under did it. I didn't do it.Anyway, I had several of those clever little boxes and I was ashamed that I couldn't get it right.
Tonight I went back to that blog and decided to delete it. Rather, I figured out how to delete it and did so.
Tonight I start fresh. Fresh and clean with every good intention. Good intentions are usually the last place I look. I look back and I see all of my good intentions and not much of anything that is meant to follow.
The novelty of the suburbs has worn so very thin. Is there not a fashion conscience here at all? Doesn't anyone even like it? Is everyone afraid of it? Oh, why must I be so alone in my devotion? Oh, where am I to go in my outfits ? In the car? To the Acme? On a job interview where I am most likely to be considered weird because my shoes have a pointed toe? When did the suburbs become so bland?
I heard this comment at work regarding my shoes.."did a house fall on you? Are you the wicked witch?" Get it, my black shoes had a pointy toe. Incredibly this utterly embarrassing comment was made by a gay man. A gay man in the suburbs. City people are so normal. Oh how I long for the company of my exes,my New Yorkers, the ones that have seen it all and don't even look at me in my shoes. I want to get ignored,lost in the clump of all the other people , wearing fantastic outfits, simultaneously being checked out and ignored, as only one can in New York City. I cry crocodile clutch tears. I will wipe them away with a Prada moisture vitamin mask.
- posted by marianne @ 6:47 PM